New Year

I'm still not sure about this blogging business but people keep telling me that I should - so here is my third try at it. I think I feel like it's an open diary for the world to read and I think I can be a rather private person at times. I am quick to express myself but when it comes to matters of the heart and things that really hit home I bottle those things up inside and I don't really share them. So- that's probably not very healthy so I am trying this.
It's new year's eve and I am sitting here alone with my favorite Pinot Noir (Erath), my kids are sleeping and my husband is working. And tears are running down my cheek. Insert primal scream here! My brother is in the hospital and that scares me to no end, but I remain positive for him and that things will be fine because I love him so much and that is the only thing I can do besides pray which I have been doing a lot of these days. I talked to my father after hearing the news and we were opening up to each other about how we are still feeling about the death of my mother. He started to cry and had to go. I can not begin to imagine how he feels day in and day out. He is a strong man and I know eventually he will hurt a little less (like me) but he will never be the same (like me).
Well - they say when you get lemons - make lemonade, so I am going to do that. I am taking my wine and going outside and enjoying this beautiful blue moon we are having and give thanks for all that I do have in my life. My husband, my kids and my family - with thoughts of them I found myself smiling even through the tears. God bless us.

Mom

My mom died - I am so lost now. She was the one I always went to when I needed to talk or just have a break from reality, where do I go now? I don't feel as though I have really excepted this fact. I keep thinking "Oh I need to call Mom and tell her about this or that", you know simple things. Everyday I want to cry - I want to scream- I want to break something, but I keep it together, my kids need me. They are what are keeping me together, my husband too. When I talk about my mom now, it's not in the past form, but as if it's everyday. I wonder if people notice - I wonder if they see me different because I certainly feel that way. I have a whole in my heart so big that I don't know how to fill it, it's just there. I am so MAD! I don't know at what but I am. She died in her sleep - did it hurt, was she in pain, did it happen quickly, what was she thinking? was she dreaming? Did she know what was happening? I'll never know. I called her that morning- I left a message and said I was calling to see how she was doing and told her I loved her. What happens when you die? Is she "still with me" I know the memory of her is and the love she had for me is, but I want to feel that love in an everyday sense not in a memory. WHY!WHY!WHY!

Not sure what I am doing

I have no idea what I am doing - but I just felt like writing, so here I am. My family and I just relocated to my husband's hometown. We lived here before we had children (8 years ago) and things are strangely the same but very different too. We are living in my in laws basement while we get settled, but that in its self is rather unsettling. Oh well, I am here so what am I going to do? We are looking for a home to buy and he wants to stay close to them for babysitting reasons, but I would rather be closer to his work so that we have that much more time together. I am very scared about buying a house- but renting a house here would be just as expensive as a house payment.
Anyway- do random people read these? Am I suppose to let people (that I know) that I am doing this? I don't know what to do with this- but I wanted to write.