Taking steps

Life is such a strange roller coaster sometimes. Just when I think "I got this" I feel defeated and kicked in the teeth. Life is always changing when you have two young kids but it's not even that. I am so ready to move into my new home - if we ever go to closing & set up life for me and them.I constantly feel like I'm waiting to start living. But then again it's scary. I will be on my own- completely on my own. Nobody to help, nobody paying any share of the bills, no husband, no parents, no roommates (well roommates that I support). It's a little nerve racking but it's a big step. This is me living my life and supporting my child and moving forward. If you're reading this - can you say a little prayer for me? I've been praying for strength, guidance and confidence.... if you get a chance.

Do what you like...

People are always saying that you should find things in your life that you enjoy and have those things be apart of your everyday. I don't do this and when I do I feel guilty for taking the time for myself. I know that I shouldn't because I need to take care of myself, and doing things that you enjoy is part of that. So today I am publicly given myself permission to enjoy life - my life. I can find adventure anywhere I look, I just need to open my eyes. I can find wonder everywhere I look, I just need to open my heart. Today I will dance a little dance, sing a little song & be thankful for my life opening up to me.

Adjustsing...

My babies are home! I am very happy about this but there has been a lot of adjusting going on. Two months is a long time to be apart from each other and with my children being so young I have to expect changes, some good, some not so much. Ella is now fully potty trained (well, she wears a night diaper but hell yeah!) and that is the biggest positive change that occurred, and maybe the only one. It's just hard to get them back to the place we were at, back to our routine. Poor Aydan had a complete breakdown at daycare because he wanted to spend the day with me. I would love to be able to just say okay and have a day together, but that isn't available to a single working mother. I know that I'm not doing anything wrong and neither are they - we are all just feeling our way back together. Does knowing that make anything easier - NOPE! but it does help keep me calm and patient. Aydan seems to be even more addicted to video games, and I don't discourage his love of them. Ella has grown into a little diva, cute but also a little too lippy. It's only been 12 days -we will get this all worked out soon enough. We just need to get back to the basics. I started a "listening star calender" -the way it works... each day that they do a good job listening, that means I don't have to ask more than twice (I know it should be once but they are 4 & 3) and that they do what I ask without any lip then they earn a star. After a month of stars or 30 days then they get to pick out a toy. They like it and so do I. They are learning to listen and that good behavior is rewarded and that they have to earn things for themselves, not everything is going to be handed to them. I'll give you an update in 28 days. So, tonight I am thinking of getting unplugged and trying to have fun - just the three of us. Dance party, ice cream and maybe some finger painting. Should be a good time.

My sweet little bean...

Ella Bean - that's the nickname I gave my daughter when she was only a few weeks old & it has stuck. If you ask her what her name is she'll tell you "Ella Bean". She is such a wonderful little person. She is full of energy and confidence. She's a little fighter -if her brother hits her, she right there swinging back. She loves attention and affection. She is a girly girl but she is also an adventurer. My little bean turned 3 today. She is at her father's house in Colorado which is killing me inside not to even be able to hug her today. I called and sung her happy birthday -which she was less than impressed with, but I don't blame her (I know I can't sing). She was so excited telling me about her gifts - plaid boots, earrings (fake ones -I made sure I cleared that up)lipstick and nail polish. WOW- if this is what she is being showered with at 3, I'm going to be grey by the time she's 13. Talking to her on the phone she sounded like such a little girl, like a 3 year old. When she is with me, I lose sight of that because she has a great vocabulary and is very articulate, but on the phone she sounds so different. I miss her so much. I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. She was a scheduled c-section, so I got up at 4:30am took a shower and was on my way to the hospital. I was admitted at 5:30 and was holding my precious little girl by 8:10am. She had the cutest little round head and long little fingers that curled around mine. I love you Ella Rose or should I say Ella Bean.

Let me go down swinging...

When I sit back and reflect it's always the simple things that make me smile, make me happy. Having young children has allowed me to get back to some of those simple things -one of my favorite things to do is to swing. I don't even have to have my kids with me to go to the playground and swing. I enjoy this little pleasure more than I care to admit. It takes me back to being a little girl at recess - seeing how high I could swing and trying to reach the leaves on the big tree that sat in front of me. It feels as if you are flying -reaching for the clouds with every pump of your legs & sometimes if your lucky enough you might have someone there pushing you, helping you to reach your goal - the sky is the limit (so they say). The smile that comes across my face is one that I can feel and I almost feel guilty- it's a little release but MAN it feels so good. I hope that someday when I have a place of my own that I can have a tree swing in my backyard. I would love to be able to swing at night and reach for the stars, feel like a little girl again and simply smile - content, happy and lost in my own world. Simple pleasures = simple life = happy me.

Rocks...

I got to spend the day at the beach. I love the water - I'm not sure why but I feel at home there. I'm not a strong swimmer but I can survive - I guess that's what matters. But I have found some little quaint beaches here on the shore that bring me peace. Peace is what I need. I like to sit at the edge and collect rocks. Sometimes I pick a color and go with that but sometimes I find very beautiful rocks that catch my eye - I collect them all. Something about rocks I find interesting - they are always changing and have a life of their own. Where have they traveled from, how long has their journey been? I think I would like to think of myself as a rock - always changing with the tide, going where life brings me and living in the element that I am presented with.

What's your pleasure???

"What do you do for yourself to make YOU happy?"
That question was posed to me awhile back and it has been lingering in the back of my mind ever since. When I think back over the years, even before I had my kids, I begin to realize that I lost myself a LONG time ago. I was with my ex-husband for 14 years- we had some of the same interest but while we were together I was rarely allowed to go out with my girlfriends, we did everything together. But I didn't think much of it because we were a couple and I thought that was what couples did - stuff together. It wasn't healthy and he really was just controlling me and monitoring the things I did. I wasn't a bad companion - I didn't go out searching for anyone else, I was respectful and always came home to him. I was always made to feel like he took me away to give me a "better life" and that I should have been thankful. But you know what? My life was good before he came along. I was happy, I had girlfriends that I could talk to and confide in, I went out dancing(which I love) - I was me and I liked me. But who doesn't want to be loved and feel like they are being taking care of. I started to lose myself the minute I compromised my heart to be with him. There was a moment at the beginning of our relationship that I knew I should walk away and I didn't, I've always resented him for that and I never let it go and he never made it right. That was the moment that I became a pleaser and not me. I was a strong independent woman - I wasn't scared of a challenge, if something needed to be done then I did it - I wasn't scared. Maybe some of that was just my youth but I moved away from home, made it on my own and I was enjoying MY life. I do however really enjoy making people happy - I honestly do get pleasure from that, but not at my own expense. I've learned that about myself over the years - I will need to be better at not putting myself last when I think of others, I think that is a disservice. People like to please people but if you are not taking care of your needs then how can you possibly take care of others? So- what's your pleasure? I aim to please, but if it makes me feel inadequate, inferior and just simply bad about being me - then as someone's mother use to say (because everyone say like my mom use to say, but my mom never said this) "don't let the door hit you in the ass".