Heart on my sleeve

I think people often think of me as weak or easily swayed because I live by my emotions. Logic makes sense but it's how you feel about it that allows/has you react the way you do. I don't hold back my feelings very often and when I do- it is usually a whooper of something that makes me sit back and think (which has rarely happened). I don't like gray- I see most things in black & white. I just feel that my feelings are mine and I get to own them without anyone's permission or approval. People may not always agree with me or see things as I do- and that's okay, that's why we are human- but they are mine! I shouldn't be belittled for them or made to feel badly because of how I feel or what I think. I'm not perfect and I have yet to meet a person who is- so why do I still get treated like a little teenage girl? I've been told that I'm too forgiven and that I have too soft of a heart- but why is that bad? I love to love- it makes me feel good. But when I am backed up to a wall- I will claw, scratch and fight my way out. I am not weak! I am who I am and you know what- I actually like me. SO- I need to get over people who are not kind to me and cut them loose. I love without expectations because when you start to expect things then you are bond to be disappointed, again we are human and we can NEVER meet everyone's ideas/thoughts of us. BUT once you are disappointed it's hard to move forward with your love- sometimes you need to pull it back and keep it for yourself. SO- for those that think I'm weak and fragile and easily swayed- NO MORE! It hurts to say that- but my heart is mine and I will protect it so I can keep living and loving the way that I want to and that is with my heart on my sleeve.

Sunshine

I truly enjoy spending time in the sun. I have a tattoo of a sun on my inner left ankle, I thought about this tattoo for 2 years before I got it 16 years ago and to this day I do not regret it one iota. That is how much I truly enjoy sunshine. When I was a teenager I use to love to go and take naps in the back of my car ('72 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme -army green)with all the windows up on a warm day - laying in the warmth of the sun. I could never take naps but this was my one retreat. When I think back even further into my childhood most of my favorite memories were on warm summer days. It could of been fishing with my brothers or laying in the sun (using baby oil)with my sisters playing board games or even just trekking around town with my friends exploring where ever we wanted. The sun gives me hope and lightens my heart. It makes me smile and therefore brings back warm, loving and happy memories not the dark, cold, harsh ones of winter. I am happy for springtime finally arriving and I hope it stays because I can use all the sunshine I can get in my life. SO- here's to you my dear friend Mr. Sun - keep shining.

just a little poem

If I searched the whole world wide
Could I find a smile inside
Things are well at the best
Now if only my head would rest
I tried to come in from the cold
I'm afraid this is getting old
I want to lay my head down on your lap
However it seems you have fallen off the map
You're in my heart and my soul
You're the one that made me whole
You still come to me in my dreams
That is all I have, so it seems.

Goodnight Moon

I enjoy the moon. It makes me feel connected and protected. I like thinking that I am looking at the same thing as someone miles and miles away. That makes me smile.

New Year's Eve was a blue moon. A blue moon is when there is 2 full moons in a month. Since the lunar cycle is only 29 days it does happen, but very rare. That's when my little obsession with full moons began. I had no idea there was so much information out there about the moon. Each month the full moon has a name, this month some call the Worm Moon and some the Storm Moon. Native Americans would give the moon a name to represent the season that they were entering into. This month's represents the beginning of spring.

I have never danced by the light of the moon - this will need to change. Not tomorrow because it is still cold at night here, but soon... very soon I hope.

A friend

"A friend is the first one to come in when the whole world has gone out"

I need a friend. I spend a lot of time on facebook, and that's where my socializing truly ends. I don't call anyone, I just don't want to be a bother and I'm not much of a phone person. I use to talk to my mom all the time, at the very least once a week. I could tell her anything and know that it was safe with her. I don't feel as if I have anyone in my life like that any more. So- where do you turn when the whole world has gone out? I have no idea. I am a complete wreck lately. I miss my mom and I miss my best friend. My mind is going over time and my heart is getting too heavy. I try to be happy and patient but those two things are slipping away. I just wish my phone would ring and on the other end would be a friend. Not just to listen to me but to share with me too. You know those "boring" day to day things that we all think are not important but just to have that outside contact and a glimpse into another's life sometimes puts your into prospective. I'm pretty popular in the cyber world - I have over 300 friends but nobody to call and nobody to call me. Some days I think I need to just not bother online and just shut it down for awhile but I am afraid that I truly would loose it and all contact with the world outside my house. I know the phone works both ways - but to be honest, I can't seem to muster up enough motivation to try. I am so alone and lost right now- so if you are a friend, please come in.

One year

So- the last time my mom came to see me was St. Patty's day last year. WOW -it's been a hard week. For some reason I've been keeping it in and trying to hold strong. Tonight my brother posted that he ate Butter Pecan ice cream and he would always think of mom, well, that just made me lose it. I miss her so much. I can picture her clear as day in front of the airport giving me a hug and kiss and telling each other we loved the other. That was the last moment I had with her. I don't think I would change a second, we hugged long enough and everything else was a perfect goodbye, but why did it have to be my last. Watching her read books with Aydan was a site that I never thought I'd see, my mom wasn't the best reader and avoided it usually. Just one moment in my mom's lap and Ella was as happy as can be. Those are only a few of the memories that I have from her visit, the one that sucks is us making plans for this spring. I miss my mom.

Scream!!!!!!!

That is what I want to do. I feel so overwhelmed and I've got to let it out. I know me and when I get like this I make up my mind and I do whatever it is I decided to do. I don't think everything through but it always works out. The only problem is that I have to think everything through and I need support on my decisions. I hate when I'm not in a good spot. I am doing things in my life now that are helping me to be a better me. I am trying to quit smoking. I have been exercising, eating even healthier. I love my kids and they are great. We have been doing more things together and spending real good quality time together. So- what's my problem then? What is my F-ing problem! Everything can't and probably won't be good, but why does it have to be big chucks of things at once. So much has happened in my life with my family and my heart aches to be with them. I want to crawl up into a ball and lay in my basement on the couch and not talk to anyone. It's not very often - but why can't I just be left alone.