Goodnight Moon

I enjoy the moon. It makes me feel connected and protected. I like thinking that I am looking at the same thing as someone miles and miles away. That makes me smile.

New Year's Eve was a blue moon. A blue moon is when there is 2 full moons in a month. Since the lunar cycle is only 29 days it does happen, but very rare. That's when my little obsession with full moons began. I had no idea there was so much information out there about the moon. Each month the full moon has a name, this month some call the Worm Moon and some the Storm Moon. Native Americans would give the moon a name to represent the season that they were entering into. This month's represents the beginning of spring.

I have never danced by the light of the moon - this will need to change. Not tomorrow because it is still cold at night here, but soon... very soon I hope.

A friend

"A friend is the first one to come in when the whole world has gone out"

I need a friend. I spend a lot of time on facebook, and that's where my socializing truly ends. I don't call anyone, I just don't want to be a bother and I'm not much of a phone person. I use to talk to my mom all the time, at the very least once a week. I could tell her anything and know that it was safe with her. I don't feel as if I have anyone in my life like that any more. So- where do you turn when the whole world has gone out? I have no idea. I am a complete wreck lately. I miss my mom and I miss my best friend. My mind is going over time and my heart is getting too heavy. I try to be happy and patient but those two things are slipping away. I just wish my phone would ring and on the other end would be a friend. Not just to listen to me but to share with me too. You know those "boring" day to day things that we all think are not important but just to have that outside contact and a glimpse into another's life sometimes puts your into prospective. I'm pretty popular in the cyber world - I have over 300 friends but nobody to call and nobody to call me. Some days I think I need to just not bother online and just shut it down for awhile but I am afraid that I truly would loose it and all contact with the world outside my house. I know the phone works both ways - but to be honest, I can't seem to muster up enough motivation to try. I am so alone and lost right now- so if you are a friend, please come in.

One year

So- the last time my mom came to see me was St. Patty's day last year. WOW -it's been a hard week. For some reason I've been keeping it in and trying to hold strong. Tonight my brother posted that he ate Butter Pecan ice cream and he would always think of mom, well, that just made me lose it. I miss her so much. I can picture her clear as day in front of the airport giving me a hug and kiss and telling each other we loved the other. That was the last moment I had with her. I don't think I would change a second, we hugged long enough and everything else was a perfect goodbye, but why did it have to be my last. Watching her read books with Aydan was a site that I never thought I'd see, my mom wasn't the best reader and avoided it usually. Just one moment in my mom's lap and Ella was as happy as can be. Those are only a few of the memories that I have from her visit, the one that sucks is us making plans for this spring. I miss my mom.

Scream!!!!!!!

That is what I want to do. I feel so overwhelmed and I've got to let it out. I know me and when I get like this I make up my mind and I do whatever it is I decided to do. I don't think everything through but it always works out. The only problem is that I have to think everything through and I need support on my decisions. I hate when I'm not in a good spot. I am doing things in my life now that are helping me to be a better me. I am trying to quit smoking. I have been exercising, eating even healthier. I love my kids and they are great. We have been doing more things together and spending real good quality time together. So- what's my problem then? What is my F-ing problem! Everything can't and probably won't be good, but why does it have to be big chucks of things at once. So much has happened in my life with my family and my heart aches to be with them. I want to crawl up into a ball and lay in my basement on the couch and not talk to anyone. It's not very often - but why can't I just be left alone.