Mom

My mom died - I am so lost now. She was the one I always went to when I needed to talk or just have a break from reality, where do I go now? I don't feel as though I have really excepted this fact. I keep thinking "Oh I need to call Mom and tell her about this or that", you know simple things. Everyday I want to cry - I want to scream- I want to break something, but I keep it together, my kids need me. They are what are keeping me together, my husband too. When I talk about my mom now, it's not in the past form, but as if it's everyday. I wonder if people notice - I wonder if they see me different because I certainly feel that way. I have a whole in my heart so big that I don't know how to fill it, it's just there. I am so MAD! I don't know at what but I am. She died in her sleep - did it hurt, was she in pain, did it happen quickly, what was she thinking? was she dreaming? Did she know what was happening? I'll never know. I called her that morning- I left a message and said I was calling to see how she was doing and told her I loved her. What happens when you die? Is she "still with me" I know the memory of her is and the love she had for me is, but I want to feel that love in an everyday sense not in a memory. WHY!WHY!WHY!