Rocks...

I got to spend the day at the beach. I love the water - I'm not sure why but I feel at home there. I'm not a strong swimmer but I can survive - I guess that's what matters. But I have found some little quaint beaches here on the shore that bring me peace. Peace is what I need. I like to sit at the edge and collect rocks. Sometimes I pick a color and go with that but sometimes I find very beautiful rocks that catch my eye - I collect them all. Something about rocks I find interesting - they are always changing and have a life of their own. Where have they traveled from, how long has their journey been? I think I would like to think of myself as a rock - always changing with the tide, going where life brings me and living in the element that I am presented with.

What's your pleasure???

"What do you do for yourself to make YOU happy?"
That question was posed to me awhile back and it has been lingering in the back of my mind ever since. When I think back over the years, even before I had my kids, I begin to realize that I lost myself a LONG time ago. I was with my ex-husband for 14 years- we had some of the same interest but while we were together I was rarely allowed to go out with my girlfriends, we did everything together. But I didn't think much of it because we were a couple and I thought that was what couples did - stuff together. It wasn't healthy and he really was just controlling me and monitoring the things I did. I wasn't a bad companion - I didn't go out searching for anyone else, I was respectful and always came home to him. I was always made to feel like he took me away to give me a "better life" and that I should have been thankful. But you know what? My life was good before he came along. I was happy, I had girlfriends that I could talk to and confide in, I went out dancing(which I love) - I was me and I liked me. But who doesn't want to be loved and feel like they are being taking care of. I started to lose myself the minute I compromised my heart to be with him. There was a moment at the beginning of our relationship that I knew I should walk away and I didn't, I've always resented him for that and I never let it go and he never made it right. That was the moment that I became a pleaser and not me. I was a strong independent woman - I wasn't scared of a challenge, if something needed to be done then I did it - I wasn't scared. Maybe some of that was just my youth but I moved away from home, made it on my own and I was enjoying MY life. I do however really enjoy making people happy - I honestly do get pleasure from that, but not at my own expense. I've learned that about myself over the years - I will need to be better at not putting myself last when I think of others, I think that is a disservice. People like to please people but if you are not taking care of your needs then how can you possibly take care of others? So- what's your pleasure? I aim to please, but if it makes me feel inadequate, inferior and just simply bad about being me - then as someone's mother use to say (because everyone say like my mom use to say, but my mom never said this) "don't let the door hit you in the ass".

Days are long...

So - I haven't written in over a year, but I feel the need and desire to write again. Plus, my main reason is that I need to keep myself busy - my kids are at their father's house in CO for this month and next, yep, 2 months away from my babies. It's hard considering that this time last year I was a stay at home mom, spending every minute of every day with them. They are my sunshine and I miss them terribly. Aydan, my 4 year old is all about video games and Star Wars. He can tell you more stuff about Star Wars then some men that grew up with the originals, he's a very smart little guy. Ella is my sassy almost 3 year old. She's a charmer (God help me when she gets older). She loves people, being around people and being showered with affection - and she LOVES her big brother, so anything Aydan likes, she does too. I think one of the funniest things she does is every time we go to my sister's house, no matter what - she'll ask for cereal - the girl can eat, but only when she wants and what she wants. She really does have a mind of her own - I love it. But I miss my kids, I miss reading them stories before bed, even if Ella makes me get 50 things before she'll settle down. I miss them fighting with each other over who gets to sit next to me at the dinner table. I miss how they will get up in the morning and come crawl into bed with me. I just miss their little faces. I do get to see them over skype, but it's not the same - I can't hug them, give them kisses or rub their backs (I always rub their backs when they go to sleep). It's just that I miss them.